The Very Last Time
by Rasiaa
Summary: "He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked out across the lake. The water shimmered in the sunlight while the edge of it lapped against the shore. He cursed the sun for shining while he was in such a foul mood." Written for Mary Jensen's Western/Country/Outlaw Music Challenge' in the HPFC Forum


_This is the last time, the very last time_  
_you going to break my heart_  
_unlike the last time, this is the last time_  
_you going to break my heart_

James bit his lip, willing the tears not to fall. He couldn't let Sirius or Peter or Remus- Merlin forbid anyone else, if he must be seen- see him like this. He was supposed to be the strong one, the one that always knew what to do, and could understand almost any situation. He was supposed to be the leader.

The problem was that anyone could walk by and see him. He wasn't exactly hiding. No, he was sitting with his arms wrapped tightly around his knees in front of the lake, with the sun beating down on him from above. His robes were tossed to the side, along with his shoes, tie, and schoolbag. He had been the only one in the Marauders not to take Divination, seeing it as a waste of time. Peter had taken it because it was easy, while Remus and Sirius skimmed by while they used to class for extra sleep. So, he had an extra period while they took their beginning-of-the-year exam.

He glanced around. Not a soul in sight. He took a deep breath, the tears slipping in his moment of lost concentration. Damn it.

_Staring down the barrel of a lonesome truth_  
_we never got that far_  
_From the worn out welcome of a wasted youth_  
_I see the way we are_

He was seventeen now, and he hadn't kissed a girl. He'd told his friends he had, and had even disappeared for two or three hours with Kaleen, but only for tutoring sessions. She had always fallen behind in Transfiguration, and he knew it was the perfect cover-up. But he saw it now, the girl he'd been waiting for so many years, she would never love him back. He was an adult; his childhood was gone. Besides, it was the teenage years that people normally got their first kiss.

But he was _so_ far in love with Lily, he wasn't sure he could ever find another. But he had to try. He knew he had to, before they were in their late twenties and she had a husband and kids and-

He chocked back on tears again.

_This is the last time, the very last time_  
_you going to break my heart_  
_unlike the last time, this is the last time_  
_you going to break my heart_

He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked out across the lake. The water shimmered in the sunlight while the edge of it lapped against the shore. He cured the sun for shining while he was in such a foul mood.

Stupid, he knew, but he couldn't help it. If she knew what she did to him… breaking his heart since late third year. How could she not bloody _see_ it? Damn, while that girl could spot trouble a mile away, she was really fucking blind when it came to emotions.

And his friends had no idea what to do to help him. They had gotten over their problems with relationships on their own.

_I had a dream where you came to see me_  
_You asked if I was okay_  
_That's how I knew that I was dreaming_  
_You asked if I was okay_

He had some sort of vision on how his life was supposed to go, since before he had come to Hogwarts. He would come here- check- meet fantastic friends- check- meet a pretty girl- check- and date her. Not so checked off the list.

The other night had seen him in this same place, same position, with the moon above him instead of the sun. Lily had been there, too. At first, he hadn't noticed anything. They were talking, not like friends do, but as someone as least civilized with each other. It had been like that lately. The conversation lapsed, and she broke the silence by asking him if he was okay. It had shocked him so much that he'd woken up.

_This is the last time, the very last time_  
_You going to break my heart_  
_Unlike the last time, this is the last time_  
_You going to break my heart_  
_You going to break my heart_

He'd vowed to himself in the morning that he'd not ask her out again. That vow had been broken about an hour ago, and he'd wandered out here. He didn't know if that was significant or not. He didn't really believe in fate, or destiny, or anything like that- another reason not to take Divination, as it was full of shit, in his opinion- so he figured it must've been self-conscious.

He told himself that it was the last time, and he'd been saying it for years, so until he got her out of his life for good, he wouldn't move on. He couldn't move on.

James blinked back tears again and burrowed his face into his arms.

_So many things that I had hoped for_  
_So many things I feared_  
_Just like tears into a river_  
_The way they've all disappeared_

"He won't get over you, Lily, he can't." *

James had overheard part of a whispered conversation between Lily and Marline a few days ago, and the words from Marline echoed in his head. He'd just been thrown aside _again_ and Lily was asking why he didn't just 'give it up already!' She'd been silenced for a few moments, and he'd almost tuned out of the conversation again when he'd heard her. "I don't think he was ever in love with me, he just pretended."

Marline had scoffed. "Lily, you are blind. It might have started out that way, him just bushing your buttons because he could and it was amusing to watch, but the other day Peter had told Mary that James was throwing up in the bathroom crying about how much you were hurting him and how you just couldn't see it."

James had swallowed hard when they both turned to look at him, and he looked down quickly at his essay- for what class he couldn't recall. He was afraid that they could tell he'd been listening. He had pulled a rather fantastic prank on Peter later that evening, of course, but that didn't stop the bad feelings. He couldn't stop hoping that Lily had forgotten the conversation, even though he knew she hadn't.

When he looked up again and saw the object of his thoughts with a guilt-ridden look on her face, he knew that those hopes just fell and drowned in the lake between them, gone forever more.

_This is the last time, the very last time_  
_you going to break my heart_  
_unlike the last time, this is the last time_  
_you're gonna break my heart_

She began to walk around the lake and he watched her with his hazel eyes. He didn't move, nor did he make any attempt to acknowledge her when she sat down next to him, her legs curled up underneath her.

"It's cold out, James," she told him.

He shrugged. Sure, it was cold, but the sun was shining down on her auburn hair in such a way that his heart clenched painfully when he knew he wouldn't ever, ever be able to run his fingers through the silky substance. Even though he so, so wanted to. "You're not cold? Not even a little?" she pressed.

He shook his head. She sighed. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

He blinked and looked at her in full. "What?" he asked. His voice was raspy from crying, and he knew she heard it when her eyes flashed over to him in guilt, but he couldn't care less at that moment. Why was she apologizing?

"I suppose 'no' was an automatic response, and has been, for a little while," Lily carried on as if she'd not heard him. "Maybe I was so afraid of saying 'yes' that I never thought about what a nice change it would probably be. And, I'd meant to say it earlier, but it slipped off my tongue too quickly. I couldn't do a thing about it. And for that, I'm sorry, James."

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

***It's a line from the Mortal Instruments series. I figured it was a nice one to use here. Love that series, and if you're not opposed to homosexuality, I'd really recommend it. **

**Anyway, I hope I did both the song and James & Lily justice. I've always had such major difficulties writing James' point of view, or him at all, so if there are any ways I can improve on him, let me know in a review. **


End file.
